I write with a heavy heart tonight. I am feeling more burdened and defeated than I have in a long time, if not ever. I’m not even sure where to begin…there is so much I want to say, yet I’m scared to. So much that I need to say, but I’m not quite sure how.
My heart breaks for this world. A few weeks ago I made my prayer for God to break my heart for what breaks His. And it hurts. I’m not anywhere near where I know I need to be in this aspect but I can’t imagine the pain he must feel watching his creation reject him again and again. I hate that I can’t save the world or be there for everyone. I hate watching people hurt and knowing that if only they would fall into my Father’s loving arms that it would all somehow be okay and yet, they won’t. I hate not knowing what to say at every moment in time when someone is hurting. I feel like a broken record player sometimes yet it seems so simple; turn to God.
I’m not a Christian because someone told me I should be. I’m not a Christian because I have to be. I’m not a Christian because it keeps people off my back or because it’s something to put under my religious status on facebook. I’m not a Christian because my parents are or because I’m naive about the other religions of the world. I’m not a Christian because of the social status it brings. It’s not a hobby for me or an orgranization to belong to. I am a Christian because it is more than just a religion, but because it has saved my life. I am a Christian because my Jesus is the only thing in this world that always makes sense, the only person who has never failed me, and never will. I am a Christian because the Spirit’s guidance is the peace that gets me through the trials of this world. I am a Christian because my Father’s love is so gracious and merciful to me, a dirty, filthy, sinner undeserving. I constantly turn to the creation rather than the creator yet He catches me every time I fall. THAT is why I am a Christian. And why my heart desires and yearns for others to share in that faith with me. I have such a deep anger for churches and believers who have hurt the hearts of those in their doors and have turned them away from the gospel. My prayer daily is for God to soften my heart towards them, to love them like he does.
I become so burdened with my hopes and desires for the people of this world. For my students I minister to, for those close to my heart who have looked for everything to fill that void and yet they’re still miserable. Everything within me wants to do something to save them and on a daily basis God shows me that it’s not me, but that it is him. There is nothing I can do but to be a vessel for God’s mercy, love and grace. It is such an incredible blessing and honor that God has chosen me to show His love to His people. Unfortunately I’m not always the best at this. I let the world get in the way of my ministry. It is impossible for me to point others to Christ if I’m also standing in the way of their view. I desire with everything within me to daily become a better light, a better example of Christ and his unfailing love.
The song “Lead Me” by Sanctus Real has had a very special meaning to me for quite sometime now. On my drive home tonight it become even more special to me as I realized that that needed to become my prayer every single day. I played that song on repeat for 20 minutes and prayed and cried and rejoiced in God’s mercy and grace for my life.
“Father give me the strength to be everything I’m called to be.
Oh Father show me the way to lead them.
Won’t you lead me?
To lead them with strong hands, to stand up when they can’t,
don’t want to leave them hungry for love, chasing things that I could give up.
I’ll show them I’m willing to fight, and give them the best of my life…
Father lead me ‘cause I can’t do this alone.”
This is my prayer, for all the students that I minister to now and for all the students that will ever come into my life. This is my prayer for my friends who are too hurt to let go right now. This is my prayer for those who don’t know You and never have, for those who used to be fighting the fight, that they would get back into battle.
So here I am, ready to follow your lead.